Welcome to Joke of the day!
[We've left a few of the more recent jokes on for anyone who
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THURSDAY'S Tee Hee ....
Tell the truth, ladies
Three women are at a house, one redhead, one brunette, and one blonde.
A genie appears and says the women can say anything, but if they tell a lie, the disappear.
The redhead says, "I think I am the smartest woman ever," and she disappears.
The brunette says, "I think I am the most beautiful woman on Earth," and she disappears.
The blonde says, "I think-" and she disappears.
THE WEDNESDAY WITTICISM .... Temperance sermon
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn Number 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
TUESDAY'S TITTER .... Landing pool
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman climbed a ladder.
At the top, a genie said: "As you go down this slide, shout out whatever you want to land in."
So the Englishman shouted "Beeeeeeer"
The Scotsman shouted, "Whisssskey"
And the poor old Irishman shouted, "weeeeeeeee!"
MONDAY'S MIRTHMAKER .... Discovering America
Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
George: George did miss.
THE SUNDAY STONKER .... Italian tomato garden
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologised to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
SATURDAY'S SNIGGER .... Q. What is the difference between Casper and Michael Jackson?
A. One is pale and scares kids, the other is a friendly ghost.
FRIDAY FUN .... Bumpy landing
A business man returned home after his ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag-induced foot-in-mouth disease.
As they prepared to go to sleep that night, he wrapped his arms around his better half, gave her a kiss, and declared,
"It's good to be in my own bed, with my own wife!"
THURSDAY'S Tee Hee .... Y I Man
Two Geordies are in the jungle.
"Are those war drums?" says one.
"No, they're someone else's" says the other.
THE WEDNESDAY WITTICISM ... Q. If a motorcyclist runs into a woman, who is to blame?
A. The motorcyclist is. He shouldn't have been riding in the kitchen.
TUESDAY'S TITTER .... Four Men in a Car
Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical
engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer.
The car stalled out.
The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's
repair them and be on our way."
The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs;
we'll replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."
The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas;
we'll flush the system and be on our way."
They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we
should do?" they asked.
The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of
the car, close the doors, then get back in and try
restarting it."
MONDAY'S MIRTHMAKER .... 100th birthday
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody
complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he
appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my
success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after
day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to
keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife
and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we
made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who
was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
THE SUNDAY STOMKER .... A helping hand
Fabio Capello was wheeling his trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags.
'Can you manage, dear?' he asks.
'No way. You got yourself into this mess, you sort it out.'
SATURDAY'S SNIGGER .... Inner beauty
I’ve just had a policeman at the door. He said: 'It looks like your wife has been in an accident.'
'Yeah I know,' I replied, 'but at least she’s got a lovely personality.'
FRIDAY FUN .... Congregational responses
In our Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting.
The officiating clergyman says, "The Lord be with you." The
congregation used to respond by saying, "And with thy
spirit."
But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now
says, "The Lord be with you," and everyone responds with,
"And also with you."
One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the
sound system was known to be old and unreliable. As he
approached the microphone, he tapped it several times and
finally said, "There's something wrong with this!"
Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered
faithfully, "And also with you."
THURSDAY'S Tee Hee .... Morning Run
The drill sergeant, making his morning announcements to a
group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today,
gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First,
the good. Private Johnson will be setting the pace on our
morning run."
With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Johnson was
overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant
finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private
Johnson will be driving a truck."
THE WEDNESDAY WITTICISM .... England Football Team in South Africa
Before leaving South Africa, the England squad went to visit an orphanage.
‘’It’s so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible,’’
said Jamal Umbato, aged six.
TUESDAY'S TITTER .... The day it all started
It was 6 March, 1836.
On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo.
He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of this fort.
William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.
These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them.
With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said ………
"Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"
MONDAY'S MIRTHMAKER .... Geese in flight
One day last autumn, I saw a flock of geese flying south ...
... all the kids were honking, "Are we there yet?"
THE SUNDAY STONKER .... Boat Name
My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept
refusing, but he bought one anyway.
"I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of
compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good
sport, she accepted.
When her husband went to the dock for the maiden voyage,
this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
SATURDAY'S SNIGGER .... 100 Camels
As U.S. tourists in Israel, Morris and his wife Ruth were
sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for
fellow tourists.
An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an
impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where
they were from.
"America," Morris replied.
Looking at Ruth's dark hair and olive skin, the Arab
responded, "She's not from the States."
"Yes I am," said the wife.
He looked at her and asked, "Is he your husband?"
"Yes," she replied.
Turning to the husband, the Arab said, "I'll give you 100
camels for her."
Morris looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally
he replied, "She's not for sale."
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked,
"Morris, what took you so long to answer?
Morris replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100
camels back home."
FRIDAY FUN .... Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a pool?
A. Bob
THURSDAY'S Tee Hee .... Certified TV Engineer
A TV engineer was called in to repair the television in a hotel room.
When he arrived, a couple was watching a picture about one-third the size of the screen.
Since he knew that all the spare sets were in use, he just took a shot at slapping the side of the TV with the heel of his hand an, amazingly, the picture returned to full size.
"Look darling," said the wife to her husband. "He went to the same repair school as you."
THE WEDNESDAY WITTICISM .... Crossing the line
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of baby seagulls.
One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more.
On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
TUESDAY'S TITTER .... Shut that door
My grandfather is always going on about how it was safe to leave your back door open in the old days.
Which is probably why his submarine sank.
MONDAY'S MIRTHMAKER .... At the graveside
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by
a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there."
THE SUNDAY STONKER .... I drink to forget.
My wife stays sober to remind me.
SATURDAY'S SNIGGER .... New Channel 4 reality show
Did you hear about the new Channel 4 show in which farmers go to each other’s harvests and secretly rate them?
It’s called Combine With Me.
FRIDAY FUN .... Push start
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
THURSDAY'S Tee Hee .... Parental guidance
A newly qualified teacher, taking a young class in an introduction to genetics, was thrown by a question from one of the class: "I understand how a mother gives the baby her genes," he said, "But how does the father do it?"
"I suggest that you ask your parents."
"They won't know," he said.
"They'll will know," the rookie teacher assured him.
"No they won't," he persisted. "They didn't even know what a parallelogram was."
THE WEDNESDAY WITTICISM .... Pick a card - not just any card
A mother took her three-year-old son to the shop to buy a birthday card for his father and told him to choose one.
When she looked to see how he was getting on she saw that he had been picking up one card after another, opening them and quickly shoving them back into their slots.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "Haven't you found a nice card for Daddy yet?"
"No," he replied. "I'm looking for one with money in it."
TUESDAY'S TITTER .... Piracy is killing the music industry.
I mean, you try playing the guitar with a hook
MONDAY'S MIRTHMAKER .... Not so daftee draftee
A draftee was being questioned by an army psychiatrist. "What do you think of the army?"
"I love it," the young man said. "I want to wear the uniform proudly and learn all about soldiering. Write that down."
The psychiatrist went on, "Will you be a capable soldier?"
"Sir, give me a gun and I'll show you. I'll shoot until the gun melts. If I can't get another weapon, I'll pickup a stick and go at the enemy with that. Then I'll go at them barehanded. I'll bite them if I have to. Write that down."
The psychiatrist said, "You sound a little crazy"
"Write that down!"
THE SUNDAY STONKER .... Back seat driver
On the first day, his daughter had got her provisional driving licence, her father agreed to take her out for a driving lesson.
Wth a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver's seat. "Why aren't you sitting in front on the passenger's side?" she asked.
"I've been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl," Dad replied. "Now it's my turn to sit back here and kick the seat."
SATURDAY'S SNIGGER .... God made us
The little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he read her a story.
From time to time, she would take her eye's off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
By and by she was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke, "Granddaddy, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart" he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh she said," then "Granddaddy, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed honey" he assured her. "God made you just a little while ago."
"Oh" she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it now isn't he?"
FRIDAY FUN .... Emergency
Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers
who are in various states of panic so I can send the
appropriate emergency equipment.
One day a woman called to say that a family member had
fallen and needed to go to a hospital.
After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the
paramedics would arrive shortly, I asked her, "Do you know
what caused the fall?"
"No," the woman nervously replied. "What?"
THURSDAY'S Tee Hee .... Table for two
My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night.
Problem was she's rubbish at snooker.
THE WEDNESDAY WITTICISM .... An only child
A little boy was telling his mother about his day at school. "Today our teacher asked me if I had any younger brothers or sisters and I told her I was an only child."
And what did your teacher say to you?" asked the small boy's mother.
"She said, thank goodness!"
TUESDAY'S TITTER .... Off the piste
On the first day of his skiing holiday, a man fell and broke his leg.
As the doctor examined him, he moaned, "Why couldn't this have happened on my last day of skiing?"
The doctor replied, "This IS your last day of skiing."
MONDAY'S MIRTHMAKER .... Q. What football team is made out of ice cream?
A. Aston Vanilla.
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